You've Been Recalled

                                                                                                  Universal Corporation
                                                                                                  Starlight Plaza
                                                                                                  Lovely, Galaxy Vastness 00000 
                                                                        
Ed
100 Sorries Lane
Especial, Florida 34000

RE: Recall

Dear Ed,

This notice is to make you aware that you have been permanently recalled (Model # 4305-AD1957) effective April 1, 2023.

Universal Corporation strives to provide all customers with the highest-quality products, and we regret that this is necessary.

Your Rights Under the Law

This letter is a legal notice, but mind you, you have absolutely no rights whatsoever.

Don’t even think about suing. No one wins against Universal.

The Background for our Determination

As a courtesy, we are providing you with some of the background that went into the decision to recall you, which is irreversible.

As you are aware, over the past five years, our customer service staff has received numerous complaints about you. (And when we say numerous, we mean it. “Voluminous” would also good way to describe your file. The data is severely bad.)

For example, there have been several complaints about your behavior on the pickleball courts. According to our records, you have given advice over four hundred (400) times when none was asked for. You have represented yourself as a superior player but have provided no evidence of any kind. We have witnesses. We have affidavits.  Many other complaints concerned bad habits such as sloppy dressing, poor hearing, sluggish performance, and muttering. We could go on.

Repairs

While optional repairs were considered, we regret to inform you that the cost of repairs would be exorbitant and therefore, the only reasonable solution is a complete replacement.

Warranties

You had none.

Appeal Rights

Nope.

We trust that you will still have a great vibe about Universal and its Universe of products. And we look forward to serving you in the future in the event of reincarnation. Until then, we ask that you be ready to meet your Customer Service Representative on April 1 so that he/she can facilitate the changeover to the new and improved Ed.

Please do not attempt to reply to this letter. We have blocked you permanently.

Have a great day!

Your Friends at Universal.